How To Tell Your Neighbors Not To Have Loud Sex

Turn down for what?
Photo – Nina Strehl | Unsplash

We’ve all experienced it at one point or another. I’m willing to bet that most of us have doubtlessly done it, too. Loud sex, that is. Sex so loud that everyone can hear it. Headboards crashing against the wall, the high-pitched wail of old box springs heaving beneath pile-driving thrusts, the nightmarish moans that could pass for murder screams… Unless you’re the one making all that noise or you’re happy to fap one out with your ear pressed against the wall, chances are the sound of lovers f*cking frantically at three in the morning will p*ss you off.

Of 400 people surveyed for New York real estate, 88% of them weren’t willing to complain about hearing their neighbors having loud sex – Brick Underground

Brick Underground, a New York real estate website, conducted what I consider to be one of the most useful surveys ever. They interviewed 400 people and it turns out that over two-thirds of them were disrupted by neighbors shagging too loudly, and here’s the thing: eighty-eight percent of those people weren’t willing to complain about it. Why? Well, because it’s awkward, for one. Also, there’s no real established way to broach issues like this. This is why I’ve put together a list of the best ways for you to tell your loud neighbor to keep it down.

Photo – Ming Jun Tan | Unsplash

Face-to-Face

Personally, I’m a big fan of doing things face to face because you have a better chance of controlling your message and gauging how your recipient will react to it. Because sex is such a private thing, it’s always best to approach the topic with a bit of tact too, and remember, there’s a good chance your neighbor doesn’t even realize that others can hear him or her (in which case, the whole conversation will be extremely embarrassing, trust me). Just be respectful, let your neighbor know that they’re being too loud and that it’s really disruptive without getting into specifics (they’ll know), and if they’re reasonable, things should improve.

Photo – Helloquence | Unsplash

The Letter

Yes, the “polite” neighborly letter, oftentimes barely concealing vitriol and snark. While the letter is passive aggressive, it can also be effective (and hilarious). Think about it, if you leave a nice sheet of paper taped to a neighbor’s door written on in bold marker, everyone will see it. It’s like a mark of shame, and chances are it’ll embarrass your neighbor (though it might provoke them, too). There’s a real art to writing one of these letters. If this is the route you plan on taking, check out some of these notes for inspiration. Last thing: you might not want to personally sign off on your letter. Letters can be all out declarations of war, after all. If you want to keep it really discreet but deliver a powerful message to the neighbor, see if you can slide it under their door. This way, you spare them a bit of embarrassment.

Photo – TBIT

A Taste of Their Own Medicine

The least effective technique that’s also likeliest to incite your neighbor is to give them a taste of their own medicine. You could simply stomp on your floor if the noises are coming from below or pound your fist against the wall. Or, you could just have loud sex yourself, though I don’t advise doing this as you’ll likely just end up pissing off everyone, instead of just the offender (plus, a wise man once said: “An eye for an eye and the world would be blind”). Additionally, if your neighbor doesn’t realize they’re being obnoxious, then doing the same won’t communicate anything.

 

Confronting neighbors about their loud sexual habits is not going to make for a comfortable conversation, period. That said, it’s far better than clamping your pillow around your ears and slamming your eyes shut, waiting for it all to end. Through it all, keep in mind that at one point or another you were probably that person too, so try to think about what would have worked best if someone would have come up to you, asking you to keep your screwing noises down.

Written by Blake Fraser

Peanut butter aficionado, professional bad joke teller, and gamer to the end of my days.