Few things will kill a sex drive quicker than spending the holidays with family and friends (well, unless your friends are of the swinging variety). Being walked in on always makes for an awkward post-coital interaction with the ‘interrupter’, even more so when you’re laying some serious pipe Christmas morning and those younger cousins of yours who don’t seem to understand the word privacy decide it’d be a good time to wake you up…
Christmas is not the time Uncle Jerome wants to be having the birds and bees talk and, trust me, nothing kills a morning eggnog buzz faster than Aunt Tracy’s stink eye.
So here are some tips and tricks that can help you get your rocks off during the holidays.
Silence is a virtue
This adage is especially true when you’re a guest at someone else’s home and even the slightest bit of motion in bed sets the box spring screaming like a banshee. Unless you don’t mind everybody hearing you, thrusting away like a jousting champ on a charger is not going to be an option here. Now, as blasé as you might be about manual stimulation, remember: it can actually be pretty hot stuff. Bring some lube, a Fleshlight with an anal fitting, your partner’s intimidating dildo (not a vibrator though, those are loud, duh) and take it slow. If you absolutely can’t do without, be prepared to do the dirty diligently and clandestinely. No moans or grunts or ululations. Slow and quiet sex is pretty tiring. Oh, and be prepared to stop every time you hear a peep. Just remember: sometimes pent-up sexual frustration serves as the perfect catalyst for toe-curling orgasms.
Adapt to your circumstances
One time I was stranded at a girlfriend’s house for the holidays and after a couple days without sex we couldn’t handle it anymore. We’d tried to have sex in bed, but as much as we tried to hold our breaths, the headboard would still crash into the wall. Sure, we could have moved the bed, but I decided to build a little f*ck nest of pillows and blankets on the floor. Luckily, it wasn’t one of those creaking floors so we could get the job done and nobody was the wiser. If you can’t fool around in bed or in your bedroom, summon your inner MacGyver. If you’re from warmer climes, what about a lay in the bush, outside? How about that creepy attic or basement that nobody ever goes to? I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve escaped my family with a lover by telling them we were going to have a casual afternoon drive only to fog up the inside of my car with our heady lust energy like that scene from the Titanic.
Feed the temptation, but do not give in
Sorry, even though nobody wants to hear it, this one works, too. As painful as it can be holding off having sex, sometimes a couple days without makes it even better. While you’re both suppressing your uncontrollable urges, tease one another, try watching porn together as a couple. Tell your partner all the nasty things you plan on doing to her or him when you finally have some time to yourselves then do it. Sometimes the headiest brew of all is to deny ourselves those things we want most of all and remember: once Santa has come and gone, who cares if you get back on his naughty list.
True, your childhood bedroom or a poorly-appointed guestroom at the in-laws, is not going to drop those panties or get you pitching a tent, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t some clever ways to help you get off, without getting caught. Hell, with these tried-and-true techniques, you and your sultry lover can go at it like seasoned porn stars and be ready just in time for a wholesome Christmas dinner with Granny Dolores and the entire holiday gang!