Human beings are an intrepid bunch, especially when it comes to sex. If you’re anything like me (i.e eager to make sweet, sweet love wherever and whenever the mood strikes you), you’ve probably found yourself getting nookie in some pretty strange, even awkward, places. That’s why I’ve put together a list of places that sound good, but are in fact terrible to have sex in. This list is by no means exhaustive; it’s simply a collection of my own experiences, excerpted from my erotic memoirs.
The beach is something of a cliché. Sure, it sounds like the perfect setting for some heady public sex—warm slopes of bleached sand; a full, blazing sun above you; and the tranquil sound of water lapping at the shore (sometimes strangers watching, too, if you’re into that). I mean hey, we talked to a lot of porn stars, and many of them noted beaches as being the most exotic of places they’ve done it in.
Many have wandered a stretch of beach with a lover only to have it suddenly occur to them what a wonderful place it would be for sex. I too, fell in with this camp of naïfs, much to my own dismay. Not even a well-placed towel can protect the delicate cracks and crevices of the human body from incursions of sand. After my beach foray, my partner had a terrible case of sand in vagina, which did not paint me the dashing Lothario.
Nothing would seem more inviting than the taut, naked body of a lover, water cascading down her as she casts you a wistful glance, wringing the shampoo from her hair as she showers. One would think that, by now, I’d have given up on the idea of sex in the shower, but I’m an incorrigible fool and long-time water enthusiast so I have not. When a partner is showering, I often hop in and, without fail, things begin to get steamy. The problem? Well, my shower’s tiny, and limited space means limited motion. Also, all that water. Numerous are the times that serious leg cramping has caused coitus interruptus during my shower dalliances. A fully grown man laying upon the cold washroom floor with his leg stretched out is not an erotic sight.
THE HOT TUB
At first thought, hot tubs seem like hedonistic, pleasure baths. I mean, to me, they hearken back to the 70s, an innocent time when men still had oodles of chest hair and bushy Burt Reynolds-style mustaches, and the art of seduction consisted of laying naked upon the skin of a grizzly bear, clasping a lowball of scotch. The thing is: hot tubs are disgusting (so are pools, by the way). They are churning tidal pools filled with dead skin and bacteria and other, more disgusting things. Hot tubs are the perfect place to pick up an infection, too. Also, all that water. My one attempt at hot tub loving did not end well. One unintentional gulp of lukewarm water swimming with human DNA was enough to kill the mood.
Talk about unprofessional… But honestly, sex at work with a coworker, especially one you’re really into, is hot. Obviously it’s inadvisable, which is why it’s on this list. I mean, getting paid and getting laid is bound to get you axed if you get caught – so there’s that. Also, the logistics of work sex are extremely difficult to manage, unless you work at home, in which case, go for it. One summer I worked at the local library and one equally-enthusiastic book lover and I did the nasty in the stacks. It was great. Problem though: once the sex storm begins, it’s tough to stop it—trust me. We didn’t get caught, but my employer suspected what we were up to, which was awkward.
If you’ve got a list of your own, we’d be interested to hear it! At one point or another, we’ve all fallen victim to our own designs when it comes to places that sound good to shag in, but end up being bad.