Useless Things People Tell Guys After A Breakup

"You're single now, you're free. You can have an orgy or a threesome whenever you want!"
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Photo – Brazzers (Upcoming Scene)

We’ve all been there. And I’d like to preface this by giving my friends some love for trying here ❤. But sometimes you guys say the dumbest, most cliche things to make us feel better after rough breakups. Again, we love you for trying.

Hey you’re single now, you have your freedom. You can have an orgy or a threesome whenever you want!

Really?! So I guess there’s just a list floating around somewhere where I sign up and girls come flocking to me for a three-way right? Damn. I didn’t know they were so easy to get into. I guess it’s kind of like ordering at KFC. “Hi, I’ll have a blonde, brunette and maybe a redhead on the side for an threesome (possibly foursome) to-go please. Thanks.”

She won’t find someone like you, man.

Right… but she will find someone else. And if Tinder has taught me anything, it’s that dating app algorithms favor women, giving them all the choice of guys they want – like picking out of a buffet. While guys like us have to play the 99% game (“swipe right until ye can swipeth no more”). So I’m basically going to Elmer Fudd this dating thing and run into the forest with tons of other hunters looking for that one “wabbit”. Sigh.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Stop. If you just bagged your last girlfriend like Captain Ahab bagging Moby Dick, what makes anyone think you’ve got that kind of energy in you again? Not every girl is a fish, some of them are whales (I’m speaking metaphorically here of course). The whales are those amazing girls you only manage to spot once in a blue moon. They’ve got big personalities, large attitudes, strong presences in a room – some of them are just gems you somehow managed to ‘get’. And now that you don’t have her in your life, you’re a fish-less fisherman.

What are some of the worst things you’ve heard after a break up from your friends?

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Written by Blake Fraser

Peanut butter aficionado, professional bad joke teller, and gamer to the end of my days.