Guess Which Vegetable Women Are Always Telling Me Replaces Their Dildo

Hint: it's what the Grinch's dick might look like, peeled back.
Hot-Sale-Glass-Cucumber-Dildo-Big-Size-Diodl-Sex-Toy-For-Women-Like-Man-Penis-HSEX1010-min
Photo – Jossieskinstore

Admit it, we all know of at least one person, friend, or “story” of a woman who has boasted about her dildo or dildo collection. There is nothing new there, nothing to pause at or take note of, granted. Now let’s take this a step further – into the vegetable, fresh produce isle of the sex world – shall we?

We have all seen a cucumber and thought inwardly (or outwardly depending on who we were with) that it would make a fantastic replacement for a dildo. It’s long, curved, hard and as phallic as produce can get! This isn’t a novel concept and hasn’t been novel for as long as I can remember and I dare say that is the better part of thirty odd years of sexual escapades.

As one of my high school female friends so eloquently put : “the perfect dildo is different for every girl. Ribbed, riveted, big or small… that’s what makes cucumbers so perfect! No two are the same!” Yeah, more information than I may have needed or wanted at the time, but as the years passed I took her words to heart and used them to break the ice (so to speak) many times. Saved me from using really shitty pick up lines – ’cause we all know, those never work.

Of course as the years flew by, the more I thought about this vegetable and its seemingly pervasive presence in the sex lives of women, the more I realized it seemed as if a cucumber’s natural role had always been to provide stimulation and pleasure to adventurous women.

Now I will impart a small piece of dildo, I mean cucumber, history. I went shopping with Maggie, a dear friend of mine and a fun loving, outgoing and brutally honest woman, sometime during my early 30’s. One day she had asked if I could help her do her groceries because her husband was busy playing golf, of course I said “sure”, knowing full well that I was going to bring up the whole cucumber dildo issue in order to get her take on the subject.

“Personally I like it a reasonable size and smooth.” That was her answer when I timidly attempted to bring up the subject. She laughed at my discomfort and went on to add: “come on now, every girl likes what she likes, don’t get all coy with me now!” Maggie came ‘as advertised’ and didn’t hold back – in fact her answer was as blasé as they get, extremely matter-of-fact and clearly not a big deal or a strange interrogation.

To this day when the subject of dildos is brought up, I take the opportunity to impart my “cucumber” wisdom to whatever captive audience I have at my disposal and you would be surprised just how many people give me the “no duh” response or look. And I thought I was a wild and adventurous guy growing up – loving role play and all… clearly I had more to learn.

Have you heard of any other naturally-endowed vegetables that can replace sex toys? Let me know!

cucumber dildo
Photo – PalomaCheyenne Shop

 

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Written by Blake Fraser

Peanut butter aficionado, professional bad joke teller, and gamer to the end of my days.