Sex shouldn’t end with a trip to the hospital and yet, for a very unlucky few, it does just that. Practicing safe sex doesn’t stop with using condoms; that’s where the conversation should begin. A study put together by the federal Consumer Product Safety Commission over six years recorded about 450 sex-related injuries, and big shocker: 241 of these injuries concerned foreign bodies lost in various human orifices (that means dildos, produce, etc.). The next two most common injuries were: those categorized as unstated, perhaps by people too ashamed of their sexual mishaps, by 64 people and serious lacerations, which was experienced by 27 people.
The study is merely a fraction of the total reported sex-related injuries from 2009 – 2014, tallying in at whopping 2.3 million, a number which is itself a fraction of all sex-related injuries, as most injuries go unreported. Before you consider sticking your unit where it doesn’t belong or putting something inside you that you can’t accommodate, consider this list of unpleasant sexual injuries.
Warning: The following injuries may cause you to feel uncomfortable and cringe to an extreme degree. Proceed at your own risk, or curiosity.
Though in its aroused state, we refer to the penis as a ‘boner’, and we use ‘boning’ as slang for sex, the penis is not a bone. That said, one of the two big tubes that engorge with blood (the corpus cavernosum) every time you get a ‘stiffy’ can rupture, an experience that is no less painful than a real bone breaking. This can only happen when you’re hard, after which you’ll hear a terrible popping sound, see swelling and bruising. The most common position to cause this terrible affliction? Reverse cowgirl. In medical literature, there are 1331 written cases of penile fracture, though the condition is not extremely uncommon. If you think you might’ve snapped your dick, go to the hospital. It’s considered a medical emergency.
Betty White once said: “Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” There’s no disputing this. The vagina is an amazingly resilient organ, though for all that it can get injured. Without ample lubrication and with a big enough object, it can be torn, scratched, and bruised.
Humans rarely, if ever, abide by the ‘less is more’ maxim. Given that most sex-related injuries concern guys and gals enthusiastically looking to stuff themselves like thanksgiving turkeys, this is something you might seriously contemplate before popping a couple billiard balls up your anus like they’re starter set anal beads. ‘Foreign bodies’, as they’re called in medical parlance, are any of the myriad things people decide, rather innocently, to put inside them which don’t belong there.
A good friend of mine, who also happens to be a doctor, has some pretty shocking ER stories, re: foreign bodies. In one of them, a middle-aged gentleman waddled into the hospital, cheeks aglow, in a state of serious agitation. To his horror, something had lodged its way up his butt, though he was utterly flabbergasted at what that might be. My friend, diligent doctor that he is, investigated but couldn’t find anything; the man was too inflamed, so he sent him in to have an x-ray. What did he find? The man had a pineapple nesting in his bowels. Later, in an effort to explain himself, he claimed that he’d somehow fallen, his anus gulping up the pineapple that just happened to have been placed on the ground beneath him… unlikely, of course. The man left the hospital sans pineapple, hopefully much wiser than before. I’ve heard of other unlikely insertions, too: votive candle holders (not the candles themselves, though I bet they’ve been used), plunger handles, bedposts, eggplants – you name it, it’s likely happened.
CUTS, BRUISES AND STRAINS
Sure, these injuries are a lot less interesting, but together they accounted for 73 of all 450 sex-related injuries in the study. Among them are rug burns, broken limbs, lacerations from too-eager BDSM playmates, and the like. In the heat of the moment it’s easy to get away from yourself, which is why it’s always important not to push things too far. After all, few things are worse than an embarrassing visit to the hospital.
Sex-related injuries are not at all uncommon. At one point or another, you might have even hurt yourself after an enthusiastic ‘sexcapade’. Whether it was a slip in the shower after a particularly acrobatic sex position or straining your back, plenty of us have been there. Though it can be embarrassing, it should never be too embarrassing to deal with, which is why it’s important to always see a professional if you think you’ve hurt yourself.