Why Sex At Music Festivals Kind Of Sucks

Stank and much, much more...
Photo – Brazzers (Raving About Her T*ts)

Once I was an innocent to the ways of music festivals, a mere naif, you might even say. A friend, veteran festival goer and Black Rock City resident (i.e someone who regularly checks into Burning Man), once told me in his sage way: Hugh, if you ever wanna get laid at a festival, do it on day one. I never asked him why this was so, though I was curious to find out. And I did, the hard way. To save you some… difficulties, I’m going to extend my buddy’s hard-earned knowledge. If you already know how to get laid at festivals, here’s why sex at music festivals sucks.

Let me get one thing straight, first. I’m not discouraging music festival sex. Au contraire, my friends, I’m all for it. There’s nothing wrong with sneaking off for a nice roll in the hay with that alluring stranger you just met in line to use the porta potty. After all, music and sex make for exceptional bedfellows. All I’m doing here is setting out the facts so that you, noble festival goer and pursuer of good times, do not set your sexpectations too high.

WHERE TO LAY AWAY

Finding someone who’s DTF will not be difficult. In the festival environment, everyone’s looking to have themselves a hedonistic bacchanalia and, as you might guess, no hedonistic bacchanalia is complete without a good, thorough shagging. Obviously, this is a generalization, but people are generally easier to meet and enjoy new experiences with at music festivals. If after sharing a food truck taco with an amiable stranger, you find you’re both amenable to screwing around, the tough part is finding a good place to do it.

Your choices are: porta potty, in public (behind a tree or in a bush), or inside a tent. I’ve never personally ventured the way of the ‘shit cabin’, though I have attempted a discrete, anxiety-ridden shtupping outside; and tent fucking. Outside works, if you can find a nook beyond the way of prying eyes, and if it’s late enough, you might even catch a glimpse of the star-studded night sky. If you get caught, well… Tent fucking, which everybody does, allows some privacy, though you still have to contend with your tent mates, who may or may not be sleeping right next to you while you’re doing the deed. Also, the ground is hard, the tent is stuffy and likely smells, so there’s that.

GETTING YOUR STANK ON

Next, the question of hygiene, which is a grave question, indeed. You basically have two choices to decide from. To, as my most-wise friend once warned me, have sex on day one. This, in my mind, is the best of both options since you’ll be having sex with someone who’s still reasonably clean, though it’ll leave you wafting sexual fumes for the duration of the music festival. Try as you may to douse yourself off with water, that stank will linger and those downwind of you will smell it.

Option two: hygiene be damned, screw whoever, whenever! The problem with this is that, after a couple days of dancing and sweating with reckless abandon, sans a much-needed shower, you and your partner’s malodorous scents will likely be overwhelmingly powerful. A rich, sexual musk, if you will. Not the stuff of a memorable tumble, unless you’ve got a thing for it. So if you were going to entice her to go down on you, be prepared to do the same.

Photo – Brazzers (F*ck The Festival)

Now that winter is finally loosening its unrelenting grasp on us, spring is about to bloom which means the start of music festival season. With Coachella just around the corner, and many more to follow, keep these festival-going tips in mind next time you think about getting freaky. And remember, always bring condoms.


Note that the views expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not reflect the opinions of Trendzz or its affiliates.

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Written by Hugh Jasse

An eloquent soul, a lover of women, fine wine, and travel. I can often be spotted aboard a skiff in Santorini, catching rays and artfully plucking at my lute.