Why Were Porn Stars And Most Women So Into Russell Brand?

We were genuinely curious.
Photo – DB Young | Wikimedia Commons

There was a time when you’d ask women what they thought about Russell Brand and the response would be nearly unanimous. He’s hot, they’d say or some derivation thereof. Some might elaborate further, flushing and toying with an errant strand of hair as their minds filled with images of prancing, endlessly chattering Russell Brands.

Ask a dude the same question… well, the answer would be nearly unanimous, as well: He’s annoying. He never shuts up. He looks like he’s crawled out from one of those refuges for homeless people in an abandoned subway line. It looks like he’s leased his hair to a family of birds. In other words, guys generally practiced scorn for the English comedian. They practiced scorn for one very simple reason: that Russell Brand could pull chicks, seemingly without an iota of effort. I mean… he dated Katy Perry!

Gif – screencrush

He’s like that friend we all know, the one who dresses badly; who has oppressive halitosis; who doesn’t have a job or put an ounce of effort into his appearance. He’s the friend who does not conform to the female standards of male beauty; he travels off the beaten path and yet—without exception—women flock to him. Bring him to a bar, and it’s like watching a congregation of moths flutter to a lone light in the dead of night. It’s a mystery, an esoteric puzzle, a riddle that has baffled philosophers since the dawning of humankind. Russell Brand was that man, that riddle. Exercising as much effort as it would take to lift a finger, he could’ve flirted all three Kardashians out of their clothes on television. Today, I solve that riddle.

Before expostulating, there are three qualities that people find universally attractive. Possessing these three and nothing else, you can inspire attraction in anyone. They are: Wit, Charm, and—perhaps most importantly—Confidence.

WIT:

Anyone who’s listened to or watched Russell Brand, even those who find him intolerable, have to admit that the guy is undeniably in possession of a sharp wit. His wit is arguably one of his most notable traits. Being verbose demonstrates intelligence, but having the ability to rebut cleverly is just as important. Conversation should be practiced as if it were an art form, and Russell Brand does just that. Also: think of conversation as a kind of metaphor for sex. Like sex, an exchange is happening, of ideas not fluids. It stands to reason that if you can talk good, connect with someone on some personal level, then maybe you can do the same in bed. Just make sure your wit isn’t focused on pickup lines, because those definitely turn porn stars off.

CHARM:

Ah yes, charm—the ability to attract others. Even a down-and-out scrub can charm, which makes it entirely democratic. Charm is a pretty fantastic way of attracting others – especially porn stars. For someone like Brand, part of his charm lied in his dandyish getup, in the way that he presented himself to others. The question you might be asking: how can I be charming? Well, charm is one of those things you either have or you don’t. Part of it, I think, is about being comfortable about who you are and projecting yourself to others confidently, which leads me to confidence.

CONFIDENCE:

By far, confidence is one of the most attractive traits one can possess. That kind of quiet, dignified, unmovable self-assurance and give-zero-shits attitude is what gives someone the balls to approach the prom queen. Confident people, most of all, aren’t afraid to push the envelope a little bit. They flirt, tease, and show their real selves, not some fabricated persona to attract someone else. With just confidence, you can do almost anything. Without it, everything’s yours to lose. And porn stars love confidence.

 

Russell Brand, without a doubt, possesses all three of these traits, and so too does that buddy of yours, the one who pulls chicks without effort, the one you and your buddies keep scratching your heads about.

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Written by Blake Fraser

Peanut butter aficionado, professional bad joke teller, and gamer to the end of my days.